


the weight of your love

by leothelioness333



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Fluff, Fluff without Plot, Love Confessions, Post-Star Wars: A New Dawn, Pre-Star Wars: Rebels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-28
Updated: 2020-12-28
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:56:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,153
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28392750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/leothelioness333/pseuds/leothelioness333
Summary: It starts as a simple question-and-answer game.(A Pre-Rebels fic exploring just how much Hera and Kanan mean to each other)
Relationships: Kanan Jarrus/Hera Syndulla
Comments: 3
Kudos: 36





	the weight of your love

**Author's Note:**

> Hi all!
> 
> I really don't have much to say other than I watched Rebels for the first time back in August and I have not stopped thinking about it since. I love Hera and Kanan so damn much, and they're just so in love with each other, so I wanted to explore that. This is all romantic fluff, not much of a plot, but lots of good feelings. 
> 
> In my head, they got together about 2 years after meeting on Gorse, and this is set about 1-1.5 years after they get together. 
> 
> Title taken from Amber Run's "The Weight".
> 
> Enjoy!

It had started with a game of question and answer, something they’d done dozens of times before over the past three years. Though they already knew a lot about each other, Hera never really struggled to come up with new questions. She wanted to know everything about Kanan, and since he’d spent the first couple years of them knowing each other keeping his past under wraps, there was still a lot to discover about him.

He’d started off by giving her a nearly impossible question— _If you had to choose between the Ghost and Chopper, what would it be?_ After too many minutes of pondering, she ultimately decided that she would have to go with Chopper.

“The Ghost wouldn’t try and hunt me down for revenge if I left it behind,” she explained to Kanan, getting a good laugh out of him.

Hera tucked her body closer to his in the small bed as she contemplated what question she could ask him. She wrapped an arm around his waist as she propped her chin up on his bare chest. The question came to her suddenly, “When did you know you were in love with me?”

“From the moment I saw you.” he replied instantly, twisting his head to give her a smile. “Thought that was pretty obvious.”

Hera rolled her eyes, poking his right pec. He didn’t even seem fazed by her question, and it made her question if it was something he’d already thought about before. “I’m being serious.”

“So am I,” he protested with a soft chuckle. “You had me speechless, remember?”

She smiled—how could she forget? The dumbstruck, slack-jawed look he’d had when he first saw her in that alley on Gorse was ingrained in her mind, and would be forever. But it was always with fondness whenever she recalled that look on his face.

“I’m still waiting for you to answer my question, Kanan Jarrus.”

“Okay, okay,” he relented, leaning his head back with a small smile on his face. “I mean, I _was_ attracted to you the moment I saw you, you know that—but when did I know I was in love with you?” he mused to himself, fingers now tracing idly up and down her spine as his eyes focused on the ceiling of her bunk.

Then, gone was the teasing smile he’d worn moments before. Hera watched his throat bob as he swallowed, and even his breathing seemed to quiet. She wondered if she’d somehow upset him. Nerves made her shoulders start to tighten up—but then Kanan shifted, sitting back up against the wall of the bunk and pulling her onto his lap. The blankets pooled around their laps. But she was just wearing her basic underwear and matching black tank, and a shiver passed through her at the cool air hitting her bare arms.

Kanan stretched out a hand towards where his sweater was on the floor. A second later, the garment was in his hand and Hera felt a little thrill go through her at his casual use of the Force. When they’d first met, over three years ago now, he’d hardly used his powers. It was habit for him after spending so long suppressing that part of him to keep safe. He was still cautious in public, but in the safety of the _Ghost,_ he had started to practice again.

It warmed her to know that he trusted her so much with that part of himself. It excited her, too, with every little reminder like this, that he was a Jedi. And he was hers. No matter the looks or comments he got in cantinas or on the streets of Outer Rim planets, no one would know him the way she did. He was a secret she would protect with her life.

“Do you remember,” Kanan started, gesturing for her to lift her arms so he could tug the sweater over her head. Hera felt warmer in an instant, adjusting the fabric as Kanan gently freed her lekku from where they were trapped beneath the collar of the sweater. “A little over a year after we met—I’d been sober for about four months, but I fucked it all up when I got blackout drunk on the ten-year anniversary of the Purge.”

Hera nodded. “I remember.” That was something else she would never forget—up until that night, she’d only had bits and pieces of what Kanan’s past consisted of. But that night had put it in a much clearer perspective just how much pain he was still in because of what happened to him during those last days of the Republic.

“Well,” he continued, gaze drifting away from hers, “it was, I’m not sure, maybe six weeks after that and you let me go on a supply run with the _Phantom_ all by myself. You didn’t even send Chopper with me because you needed him to help you with repairs on the _Ghost._ I had stopped drinking again, but it was still so soon after that night that I _wanted_ to drink.”

Kanan lifted his head again as she reached up to tuck a strand of hair behind his ear. She let her touch linger against his jaw, before dropping her hand to rest against his chest.

There was the slightest crease between his brows as he spoke, “I remember telling you that I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, because I didn’t know if I trusted myself. But you did— _you_ trusted me. I for sure thought I’d broken that trust because I broke the promise I made you to sober up. But when I slipped—you…” he swallowed, and his eyes drifted away from her face again. His hands were warm where they rested on her hips, just beneath the hem of her borrowed sweater. He stroked his thumbs back and forth against her skin, like he was trying to ground himself to her. “You gave me a second chance when so many other people before hadn’t. That meant a lot to me.”

Hera could hear the unspoken words, could hear the hurt in his voice at the memory of past ghosts—people who had hurt him or caused him pain, or who had left him all alone without a second glance back. She could feel the tenseness in his body beneath hers. She knew him well enough to know he was starting to get stuck in his thoughts, so she lifted a hand and carded it through his hair slowly. After a few moments, his breathing started to even out again.

“So,” she mused quietly, tipping forward to press a kiss to his forehead, “me sending you on a standard supply run got you to fall in love with me?”

As planned, the light teasing helped fully pull him out of his head, and he laughed. His blue-green eyes practically sparkled as he looked at her. “Not quite.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. “Not quite? What was all that then?”

“Oh, I’m sorry, am I boring you, Captain Syndulla?” he shot back, pretending to be offended, and failing as his face split into a grin.

She laughed, giving a little shrug. “No, no, not at all. Just, you know. They say long-windedness is a sign of age.”

“I had to provide some context!” he protested. “And I’m only a couple years older than you, so I’m _not_ that old.”

“Whatever you say,” she replied, the corners of her mouth twitching as she fought off another smile.

Kanan gave a barely there shake of his head, lips turning upwards into a soft smile. “You’re trouble, you know that?”

“Just the way you like it.” Hera tipped forward to kiss the corner of his mouth. She pulled back and slid her arms around his neck. She started playing with the hair at the nape of his neck, twisting the silky strands gently around her fingertips, and said, “So, I sent you on a supply run, but that didn’t quite do it for you. What next?”

“It was a pretty standard pick-up,” he continued. One of his hands moved from her waist, down to the top of her thigh where he started tracing mindless patterns against her skin. “Except, if you remember, I was able to surprise you with something.”

One of Kanan’s brows arched as he looked at her, waiting for her to figure it out. Hera wracked her brain—they went on so many supply runs, what would have been special about that one?

And then it clicked. Her smile was instantaneous as she said, “Meilooruns.”

“Meilooruns,” Kanan echoed. “Always comes back to the meilooruns.”

“They’re my favorite!” she asserted.

“I know,” he agreed, matching her smile. “That’s why I bought them. And they were fresh, too, I remember. Not any of that canned or jarred nonsense. We hadn’t seen fresh ones in so long—well, not ones that the Empire hadn’t already scooped up, anyway. It was perfect, and it meant I got the chance to surprise you.”

She was remembering that day a little clearer now, but she still had no idea how something as mundane as a supply run and meilooruns led to the realization that he was in love with her.

“The look on your face when I brought those melons back was…” he trailed off, gaze focusing on a spot over her shoulder. His eyes were a thousand miles away. Often times that look was associated with bad memories, right before a panic attack or after waking from the middle of the night from nightmares. But this time Kanan’s features were relaxed, every part of him at ease with her in the comfort of the bunk.

He refocused on her, a lovely smile pulling up one side of his mouth. “Even though we’d been traveling together for a year at that point, I don’t think I’d ever seen you light up the way you did when I gave you those meilooruns. I mean you were just—you were beaming. But,” the hand that had been on her thigh lifted up and he wagged a finger, “That still wasn’t the moment where things clicked for me.”

Hera made a noise, somewhere between a groan and a laugh. “If a supply mission and meilooruns didn’t do it, I’m very curious to hear what exactly won you over.”

Kanan chuckled, the sound rumbling in his chest. “I know it all sounds very mundane, but it was a good day for me! I’m just trying to provide you enough details, you know. Really paint you a full picture.”

“You’re ridiculous,” she mumbled against his mouth as she leaned forward to kiss him again.

“Just the way you like it,” he said, echoing her earlier sentiment with a wide grin.

He pressed his mouth to hers once, twice. He kissed the tip of her nose, then each of her cheeks. Hera’s eyes fluttered shut for a moment, fingers twisting into his hair. She sighed softly as he pulled back.

“Do you remember what we did with those meilooruns?”

She opened her eyes and started to shake her head. “Ate them? I’m not sure—wait.” Her eyes widened and she had to bite down on her lip to keep from laughing out loud. “Was this the smoothie incident?”

Kanan exhaled, relenting, “This was the smoothie incident.”

“I was still finding meiloorun on the ceiling like a month later!”

Hera lifted a hand to her mouth to try and cover her laugh. The meilooruns Kanan had brought back for her that day had pretty much been the best meilooruns she’d ever had. The perfect ripeness and level of sweetness. They’d also been huge, so they’d sliced one up to eat and Kanan had decided to use their food processor to make smoothies with the other. _I can make a mean smoothie_ , she remembered he’d told her. _I picked up a few things in all my years working in cantinas._

The ones he’d made—or tried to make—had been without the alcohol of course. She remembered them being in the galley, her eating and listening as he spoke. The next thing she remembered was the sound of the food processor being turned on—and then a whole lot of cursing as half processed meiloorun splattered all over the walls and ceiling. And all over Kanan.

“Admittedly,” Kanan said now, a furious blush coloring his cheeks, “I’d been so distracted by you that I forgot to put the lid on the processor. You were just so happy and relaxed, and I just…lost track of what I was doing, I guess.”

Kanan’s blue-green eyes were bright as he scanned her face, his smile slowly morphing into something softer. Hera swallowed lightly, heart somersaulting behind her ribcage. Her arms were still locked around his neck, and she was grateful for the touch steadying her.

“I was waiting for you to get upset,” Kanan continued, voice soft as his hands settled on her waist again. “But I turned around and you _laughed_. That laugh—it was the most amazing sound I’d ever heard in my life. And you know, it’s not like I hadn’t heard you laugh before. But it wasn’t like this. And knowing that _I_ was the one who’d made you laugh like that…”

He paused. Kanan had told her before—fairly often, actually—how much he loved the sound of her voice. But there was something in the way he said it now that made her chest tighten up.

“Even more so than that,” he pressed on, “it made me laugh too. And I’m talkin’ the whole makes-your-sides-hurt, can’t-breathe kind of laugh. And before that day…I couldn’t tell you the last time I’d laughed like that. Probably not since I was a kid at the Temple.”

Kanan reached up a hand to cup the side of her face. The tenderness lining his handsome features and the adoration in his gaze was infinite. That look outshone all the stars in the galaxy, and it was all for _her_.

“I knew I was in love with you when you made me feel like _me_ again.”

Her heart instantly felt so full in her chest, and it seemed there was scarcely enough room left to breathe.

Ever since she’d learned how to fly, Hera didn’t think there was a feeling that could match it. The swoop in her gut and the racing of her heart when she flew made her feel like she could do anything. She felt utterly _free_ —like every dream she’d had as a young girl on Ryloth about flying for her people, and for the future of the galaxy, could come true. Because at the helm of a ship was where she felt the most confident, the most like herself.

Except…when Kanan looked at her the way he was now, it felt like she was flying and falling all at once. She’d never planned for this—in fact, she’d told Kanan when he first joined her crew after Gorse that she wasn’t looking for any intimate companionship. Her priority then—and now—was to fight against the Empire in any way she could. When she’d left Ryloth and her father behind, she’d already lost her mother and brother, and she didn’t plan on opening her heart up in a way that meant it would get broken again.

So, Hera had meant what she’d said to Kanan four years ago. She just hadn’t expected him to squeeze his way into her heart the way he did. By the time she’d noticed, it was too late—she’d already been falling for him. It overwhelmed her sometimes, the weight of her love for him. Matched only by the weight of his love for her, which she carried in her chest, tucked in the deepest corners of her heart.

 _I knew I was in love with you when you made_ me _feel like me again_ , he’d told her. Truthfully, he brought out the best in her, too. Before, she’d found purpose in her mission of rebellion against the Empire. But it was different having someone to share it with. For as long as the _Ghost_ had been her home, somewhere, somehow, the ship no longer felt complete without him in the copilot’s seat. The ship would always be her home, but Kanan was her haven. When everything else was falling apart, he was her safe place to land. After all she’d been through since war came to her home planet all those years ago, his steadiness was exactly what she’d been looking for without even realizing it.

“Hera?”

Kanan’s voice broke through the noise of her thoughts. He was searching her face, brows pulled together with concern, and she wondered how long she’d been just staring at him in stunned silence.

Before he could second guess himself further, she took his face into her hands and kissed him. Kanan made a small noise at the back of his throat, but the surprise wore off quickly and he was kissing her back, mouth soft but insistent against her own.

“Why are you crying?”

Hera sniffled—she didn’t realize she had been crying until Kanan swiped at her tears with his thumbs. There was still a crease between his brows, but there was more curious adoration than worry on his face.

Why _was_ she crying? Probably because the love in her chest had filled her completely up, until it was spilling out of her. Because for as much as Kanan told her that he didn’t deserve her, it was really Hera who was unworthy of him. She knew that his self-doubts and the ghosts of his past were plenty capable of making him feel like he wasn’t worth the effort or time of someone else, especially in the intimate sense. But for all that, his love for her was so pure. As vast as the oceans on Mon Cala and as layered as the mesas of her home planet.

She wasn’t as good about expressing just how deep her feelings ran for him, and she hoped that what she could give him was enough.

“Did I upset you?” Kanan asked.

“No, no.” Hera blinked away the burning in her eyes, lifted her hands to cover his where they still cupped her face. “You didn’t upset me, love. Took me by surprise, is all.”

The relief was visible on his face. Hera leaned forward and kissed him softly again, wanting to wipe away any traces of doubt left in him.

“I love you,” she murmured, touching her forehead to his.

“I love you, too.” He licked his lips, mouth curving into the fond, crooked smile she loved so much. “I have since the start.”

The responding thought came to Hera suddenly, but quietly. Like it had been a part of her all along,

 _And I’ll love you ‘til the end_.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! 
> 
> (feel free to come chat with me on tumblr about rebels or anything @hoppe2bealive)


End file.
